Thursday, August 30, 2007

Commercial Confusion

Ok, I no longer get the "coulda had a v8" commercials.

I understood the first one, where the guy is working out on the balance ball and his trainer asks him if he is still eating right and getting all his veggies, and he says "when I can" and she bops him on the head. Ah, she's right! He could have had a v8 and he would have gotten his veggies! There's no excuse for missing them when they are neatly pureed into a handy disposable bottle! What a bop-worthy offense!

But now the commercials make no sense. The latest one is a montage with a guy passing up veggies at all these different functions and his wife (I assume she is his wife) bopping him on the head after each one. After about the 7th pushing away of his carrots and his wife bopping him, the announcer intones "Coulda had a v8" while the wife shakes her head disappointedly at her hapless, unhealthy other half.

But here's the problem. v8 is continuing the theme of saying that you can just get your veggies by drinking a v8, and to pass up such a simple solution is stupid. Hence, the head bopping. But the guy in the newest commercial isn't passing up a v8 or saying he hasn't gotten his full servings of veggies, he's passing up the traditional on-your-plate veggies. Why is he being bopped when he pushes away a plate of broccoli? If he ate his veggies, he wouldn't need to drink v8.

Maybe I'm missing something. But it doesn't seem like a good plan to infer someone who doesn't eat physical veggies is boppable when you sell a product that replaces those missed veggies.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

100 things

I lovingly stole this idea from my sister, who lovingly stole it from another blogger. It's a good thing. I encourage you to lovingly steal it from me.

Anyway, for my 100th post I thought I would give you 100 things about me. In no particular order...

1. I cannot whisper. It's a stage whisper at best. Everyone can hear me. I try to whisper, I just don't succeed in it.
2. I used to get in trouble in grade school for talking in class all of the time. Probably because I couldn't whisper.
3. Thanks in part to my lack of whisper ability, I have a naturally authoritative voice.
4. This is great for speeches and giving direction, but it gets me in trouble because people sometimes accuse me of pretending to know what I'm talking about when I don't.
5. Often I didn't realize that was the impression I was giving. I have taken to adding at the end of my sentences, "Despite my confident tone, I don't know that for a fact."
6. I love cheese. Especially cheese with salted crackers.
7 Once, while Patrick and I were still dating, we went to a friend's wedding, and I tried to spread cheddar on a cracker.
8. Patrick told me that cheddar was not a "spreading" cheese. I told him that with a little elbow grease, every cheese could be a "spreading" cheese.
9. That pretty much sums up my philosophy on life.
10. I also like to talk about "personal accountability" a lot.
11. For example, I dislike it when people give excuses. I would rather a person say to me "I'm sorry I am late" and offer no explanation than to tell me "the guy in front of me at the check-out took forever, there was nothing I could do."
12. I am guilty of offering excuses, too. But I consciously work at it.
13. I am a terrible speller. It took me three tries and a spell-checker to get "consciously" right.
14. There is a scar in my right eyebrow of which I do not know the origin. One day I started looking through old photos, and I have determined it showed up between my third and fourth birthday. No one in my family knows how I got it.
15. I was a pretty rough-and-tumble kid, so the scar doesn't really surprise me.
16. In fact, I'm pretty well covered in small scars.
17. I have dislocated both shoulders, broken my left wrist, broken both big toes and both pinkie toes, sprained my left knee, had two cysts taken out of my left wrist, sprained both ankles too many times to count, and had 4 concussions.
18. I used to joke that everything that could possibly kill me has already tried.
19. I often joke about my clumsiness. In fact, I often joke. Period. I am a firm believer that she who can laugh at herself will never cease to be entertained.
20. I never cease to be entertained.
21. I have a great wit. It's probably my best non-physical attribute.
22. My best physical attributes are my calves.
22. Seriously. Great calves.
23. My sister wonders why I have such a thing about high heels. It's all in service to the calves, baby.
24. I have a black belt in Shingitai Jujitsu.
25. My husband has a second degree black belt in Jujitsu.
26. We met when I was a white belt and he was a green belt.
27. I had a crush on him from the day I met him.
28. I still do.
29. Just yesterday, in fact, I told him "I don't know what it is I like so much about you, but I sure do like it a lot."
30. Anyway, he didn't know I was alive when we met. It took me two more years to get him to ask me out.
31. He says he was always interested, but thought I was too serious and studious for him.
32. That's fair. He wasn't studious at all. He's two years older than me, and we graduated at the same time.
33. Of course, I graduated a little early.
34. But still. He claims that if he hadn't started dating me he would still be in college.
35. He is very smart. He left UT's engineering program with a 4.0 because it was boring. Then he didn't bother to go to a bunch of other classes over a few years because they were boring, too.
36. See a theme?
37. Anyway, it seems his stick-to-it-edness has improved substantially since he got himself an smc.
38. Oops, this is supposed to be 100 things about me. Seems I've gotten off track.
39. I graduated from UT summa cum laude with degrees in psychology and political science in 2004.
40. And then I went to law school.
41. As you know, law was not my first choice for a career.
42. I still take Flinstones gummy vitamins as nutritional supplements.
43. Two a day.
44. I'm very picky about my pills. I hate swallowing those big, chalky horse pills.
45. I have to take them with orange juice to hide the taste. And even then, I have the aftertaste in my mouth all day.
46. I don't know my sister's legal married name. Before marriage, she was CEC. Then she married an H. I know she goes by EH. But is her name CEH? CCH? ECH? I don't know.
47. I don't know if she knows my legal married name, either.
48. It took me 8 months to decide if I was going to change my name. I flip-flopped constantly. I only made a decision when Patrick announced he didn't know how to introduce me and I had to make up my mind.
49. I don't know if I made the right choice.
50. My best friend is Melanie.
51. As you know, we met in high school.
52. We used to make up songs while running cross-country and track together. And just in general, because it was fun.
53. "You get into the truck on another track day; Coach is kinda smiling, you know what he's gonna say..."
54. During track practice as a sophomore in high school, I was struck in the forehead by a discus.
55. The swelling was horrible.
56. The next day, a girl on the tennis team got hit in the face with a tennis ball.
57. It was caught on tape.
58. So people were too busy making fun of her to make fun of me.
59. I went to a cruel high school.
60. I was senior class president.
61. I gave a speech at graduation.
62. The only part I remember of it was quoting the "we are more than champions" verse of the Bible.
63. I love college football. I don't care who's playing. I'll watch it.
65. But if the Tennessee Vols are playing, I don't just watch it.
66. I armchair coach it.
67. I am very competitive.
68. Almost anything can be turned into a game.
69. A game I'll try to win.
70. Melanie is not nearly as competitive as I am.
71. When we play cards, she often suggests that we don't keep score.
72. And this makes the point of the game... what?
73. I love those "Where's Waldo" books.
74. And the traditional logic games, like "If Adam doesn't bring a casserole and Danielle brings a ham, whose drives a Saab?"
75. The answer is Caleb. Caleb drives a Saab.
76. I skipped number 64. Did you notice?
77. I did that because I repeated number 22.
78. Both were intentional.
79. I am the youngest of my family.
80. I don't buy the "birth order" analysis of personality.
81. It seems about as accurate as my daily horoscope.
82. I hate it when people interrupt each other during debates.
83. Or say "No offense, but..."
84. Or make global generalizations or stereotypes.
85. I hate it even more when a member of a particular group reinforces a negative stereotype.
86. Whenever I see someone royally botching a parallel parking job, I pray it isn't a woman.
87. I am a great parallel parker. Much better than Patrick.
88. He is the first to agree.
89. I have two cats, Tobey and Caesar.
90. Tobey's full first name is October. But no one ever calls her that.
91. Except my mom.
92. Caesar fetches rubber bands. He'll drop it right back in your hand, over and over again.
93. I've never seen anything like it.
94. Like all moms, I believe that my cats are the best in the world.
95. Except mine actually are.
96. I like dance. All types of dancing. Ballroom, line, hip hop, tap...
97. I'm not particularly good at any of them. But I still like to try.
98. I love colloquialisms. I'm all over them like white on rice.
99. When I grow up, I want to be the most respected attorney in my field.
100. Or a famous actress.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Goodbye Chicago!

Well. It's 2:30pm, and I am leaving for the airport at 3:00pm. All I have left to do is haul my hopefully only 50lbs bags onto a cart and take them downstairs to the cab I have reserved for me. Except the front desk is out of carts for a moment. However, I could not help but notice what floor the last cart has gone to. I think I may go knock on that resident's door and take it by force. Because they will never see me again, and I need that cart.

Goodbye, Chicago! Goodbye s'mores maker, goodbye incredibly stained carpet, goodbye awesome view of Navy Pier, goodbye too-short grocery cart, goodbye somewhat creepy mannequin in the corner!


Friday, August 24, 2007

Flight of the Conchords- Business Time

Too funny. I nearly shot chai tea latte out of my nose the first time I saw it. And you guys know I usually reserve that reaction for when a family member falls down the stairs or something (you have to know my family...)

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Hey smoopyliciousness!

The darling Patto and I are planning a trip to the World's Best Alma Mater for a housing reunion, since I was an RA in college and am still close to my former fellow RAs. The other RAs and I have been exchanging e-mail messages for some time, working out the reunion details. Then yesterday, I received an e-mail to the group that The Breakfast Club, the most amazing 80s cover band ever to play the stage in Knoxville, TN was going to be in town the exact! same! weekend!

It was a sign from God that this trip home and the attendant housing reunion is blessed!

In my glee, I quickly fwded the e-mail to Patrick, along with the following note:

"Oh baby! Remember the Breakfast Club? They're going to be in Knoxville the same weekend we are! Oh! Happy Day!
I love you my baby I dooooo!
Happy Wednesday, otherwise known as Wed "less than 4 days till I am back with my baby" nesday!"

Nauseatingly cutesy, I know, but I haven't seen my husband in a couple of weeks and I have been living apart from him for the past 3.5 months, and my mental state is deteriorating quickly without him. And he would have just chuckled and that would have been that.

That is, had I actually sent that e-mail to Patrick.

No, instead of hitting "Fwd" I somehow hit "Reply All," and in my extreme excitement, did not notice the difference. So I sent that incredibly snuggle-filled missive not to my darling husband, but to 9 of my former co-workers and my former boss.

They were good enough to send me multiple e-mails back telling me they loved me, too.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Admission Essay

Every now and again, someone gets real impressed with the fact that I go to Harvard Law School and asks me about my college grades and LSAT scores and such. But a couple in the know also ask me about my admission essay. What did I write about? Did I combine my political science and psychology degrees into a comment about the benefits and flaws of the current American Jury System? What impresses Harvard?

If you think for a moment that I wrote a comment on the American Jury System, you have another thing coming. But to ease the curiosity of those of you who really want to know how I wowed Harvard into accepting me in two weeks flat, I am reprinting the first paragraph of my admissions essay. I swear to you on my sister's gave (sorry, Boo) that what you are about to read is what I actually submitted to Harvard with a straight face (or what I can pull from memory- the actual copy is on a computer at home in Boston. I reserve the right to change this post if I get home and see an error).

"Law was not my first, or even second choice for a career. When I was a child, all of my friends and I knew exactly what we wanted to be when we grew up. Josh wanted to be a CIA agent, Jennifer wanted to be a novelist, and I wanted to be Queen of a small, tropical and fabulously wealthy island nation. Upon later inspection, I realized that the queen-market was a very difficult one to break into, and set my sights on something more managable: becoming a famous actress."

Obviously, the admissions folks at Harvard scrambled all over each other to be the one to type up my admissions letter.

The point is this: Harvard is chock-full of serious people who write about serious things. And that is great. And if you are that type of person, Harvard has a spot for you. But I am not that type of person. And I wasn't about to write a phony admissions essay about the intersection of law and interstate commerce. I wrote about why the law interested me, and I didn't take myself too seriously. And Harvard had a spot for me, too.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Look at me and my usefulness!

I finally have work to do! Well, I *had* work to do. Then I did it. But none the less, I actually came to work and settled in and worked! This is a much needed break from the two weeks of absolutely nothing I have done since coming to OFC. Don't get me wrong- I like down time. A whole day of not having anything to do? Great! But 7 days of not having anything to do while being forced to account for your time? Not great. Miserable.

To show you my level of functioning over the past two weeks, I give you a pair of haikus I wrote to Melanie in my height of bored desperation (this is something we did in high school quite a bit, and I'm a-bringing it back, cause I'm old school like that).

I have lost three pounds
climbing the stairs between floors
'cause it takes longer

than taking the lift
and I have time to waste, so
I print three floors up.

But thankfully, it will probably be Thursday before I subject her to more of my, um, creativity.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

How do you get jurisdiction over the Garden of Eden?

What do President Bush, the Sears Tower, The Olsen Twins,, Charles Dickens, the Magna Carter, the Aztec Pyramids, Three Mile Island and Dostoevsky have in common?

They are all defendants together in this suit.

Sadly, the plaintiff never gets around to listing what he is actually suing them for. Just that they are in fact, being sued. Together. In federal court. For something regarding prisoner civil rights.

In America, even very very crazy people get their day in court.

1000 strong, and growing

Hey! According to my little counter friend, Diverged has received over 1,000 visits since April 2007, when I started counting! If I have figured out how it works correctly, it counts you the first time you visit each day, but then does not count you again for the rest of the day, no matter how many times you visit. So feel free to check back every 30 minutes without worrying that you are upsetting my counter. It is tres sophisticated.

It's been nice to have you along. Feel free to leave a comment. And remember, visit early and often!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Turf War!

Remember how I said that outside my window at OFC I have 30 something spiders? (What I mean is, there are at least 30 of them- not that the spiders are between 30 and 40 years old. Although they might be. I haven't asked.) Well, I was just staring out at them (and the city beyond) when I noticed a lot of movement in one corner of the window. There is a large spider that is engaged in a fight with a much smaller spider. Both are kind of jumping at each other and waving their arms (legs?) around while the web they are fighting on sways in the wind. The smaller one was doing a lot of running back and forth, and at first I thought it was just running for its life. But in fact, it is disconnecting the web strings that are supporting the larger spider. Now THAT is a clever tactic. The larger spider keeps almost tumbling off the web, and is distracted momentarily as it spins off more support for itself. This gives the smaller spider a chance to wave its arms/legs around at the larger spider, which seems to be the preferred method of fighting.

Spider Wars! Playing out in real life on my window ledge! Only instead of being orange and green (I was always the orange spiders), these combatants are tan and black. And appear to be barefoot. At least, they are not wearing matching hi-tops. Too bad.

Monday, August 13, 2007

First Anniversary

You guys know I don't spend a lot of time gushing. But this post is an exception. Yesterday was my first wedding anniversary with Patrick. He flew in Friday evening and we had a fabulous anniversary weekend. We went shopping along Michigan ave, we saw the Bourne Ultimatum, we went to the Melting Pot for dinner, (which is one of our favorite restaurants and where we spent our first Valentine's Day). Afterwards, we walked down to the beach with a bottle of champagne and watched the water and the Chicago skyline. It was beautiful. We exchanged gifts (we spent too much on each other again- it is ever our curse). Being that the first anniversary is paper, Patrick ended up getting me four cards, because he liked them and couldn't decide between them anyway. One was funny, one was kind, and two would melt your face off with the loving goodness that flowed out of them. Someone who was truly in love wrote those last two cards. In keeping with tradition of me being a strange, strange bird, I got him a card that referenced puppet shows. Que romantic.

People often tell me that the first year of marriage is the most difficult. I hope so, because this year has been incredible, and if it gets even better after this, I'm sold. As my sister said in her toast at my wedding, I have truly met my match.

And now, only two more weeks until my summer stint is up in Chicago and I can live with my wonderful husby full-time again! I have missed him these three months. I cannot wait to wake up close to him every day (not just every other or every third weekend) with his arm wrapped around my waist and his warm breath in my face and me gently and sweatily wriggling free because Oh. My. God. that man emits so much heat and he sends me into premature hot flashes every morning. I have missed those hot flashes and wouldn't trade them for hanging onto my own pillow and all the covers for anything in the world.

Friday, August 10, 2007

I have no comment on this

This is my husband.

This is my husband on a dare.

And yes, we are going to discuss that popped collar when I get back from Chicago.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

oh hello my darlin' sweet tea

I borrowed that line from db. But it pretty much sums up the southern sentiment towards its unofficial regional beverage, sweet tea. Sweet Tea, more appropriately, because if it isn't a proper noun, goshdarnit it should be.

Even Slate has recognized the goodness that is sweet tea. You can read the article here.

Several of my friends tease me about the pitcher of sweet tea I keep in my fridge at home, despite the fact that I have been living in the great white north for two years now. One of my fellow southerner classmates insists I bring it with me to every study group and pot luck meal we have (the pot luck supper is another fine southern tradition). One fall afternoon she dropped by my house to borrow a book, and as she helped herself to a glass from the cabinet and made a bee-line for the fridge, I had to tell her we were fresh out of sweet tea. From the look on her face, you would have thought I had told her I was an alien in a human suit. After recovering from the shock, she slowly set the glass down on the counter, gathered up her southern resolve, put a hand on her hip and asked, "Well how long does it take you to make more?"

And I made more right then. Because a southern household, even one relocated to Massachusetts has sweat tea in their fridge. Besides, I was almost to the bottom of my own glass.

"[Sweet tea] is the house wine of the south." Dolly Parton

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The smc v. quirky Quiz!

In honor of my sister's post about how different she and I are, I invite you to take the smc v. quirky quiz! Write down your answers to determine which sister you are more like:

1. Michael Kors is:
a. A beer company. They also make Kors Light.
b. A fashion designer. And a judge on Project Runway.
c. CBS's leading evening news correspondent. And unbelievably tan.

2. Cladding is:
a. A political term for running negative adds about your opponent in the 30 days before an election.
b. A particular style of fishing.
c. A decorative covering that goes over steel or concrete support beams.

3. A jigger is:
a. A measuring device for mixing drinks.
b. A measuring device for cutting wood planks.
c. A measuring device for baking bread.

4. How is an allen wrench shaped?
a. Like an L
b. Like a V
c. Like a Y

5. In chess, the rook can only move:
a. Diagonally.
b. In an "L" shape.
c. Horizontally and vertically.

6. Coleus is:
a. A skin disease.
b. A leafy plant.
c. An ancient philosopher.

7. The youngest member of the Supreme Court is:
a. Beyers
b. Stevens
c. Roberts

8. What is the motto of Lowes?
a. Let's Build Something Together.
b. The Helpful Hardware Place.
c. You Can Do It. We Can Help.

9. A Federal Reporter is:
a. The new, "PC" term for a Narc.
b. A collection of court cases decided during a particular term.
c. The member of each U.S. Senate committee who is responsible for submitting the year-end report on the activities of that committee.

10. Stephanie Plum is:
a. A fictional bounty-hunter and the subject of 13 books and counting.
b. An "adult-swim" cartoon character famous for her green hair.
c. A major writer on the critique of modern feminist literature.

And a bonus question!
The correct response to "It Ain't the Plumber" is:
a. "Then who is it?"
b. "Do you kiss your momma with that mouth?"
c. "Will you still fix the sink?"

Ok, answers are printed below.

1. B; 2. C; 3. A; 4. A; 5. C; 6. B; 7. C; 8. A; 9. B; 10. A. Bonus: C.

If you answered mostly Odd questions correctly, you are more like smc. If you answered mostly even questions correctly, you are more like quirky. If you answered all questions correctly, you are some sort of super-hybrid sister, and we should meet you. If you answered no questions correctly, you will be made fun of as soon as we find out about it.

Oh, and if you cheated and looked up answers online in order to beat your friend at this quiz, it's a toss-up.

So. Who were you more like?

Old Firm Chicago

I have finished my stint at Mobius, and have now embarked on a three-week cameo engagement at Old Firm Chicago ("OFC"). I have settled into my new office, gotten a new office-mate from Michigan Law school (what is it with all these UM folk?) and... have not quite started working yet. We were re-oriented all day yesterday, and they were supposed to assign new work to us today, but they haven't done it yet. At least I've had a chance to catch up on my Slate reading (does that magazine get more and more liberal everyday, or is it just me?) and other such important tasks like trying to find little orange tags for my documents. Yes, I was provided with little purple tags and little white tags, but I like the orange ones best. What? I do.

I have a great view of the building that houses Mobius from my new office. And an even better view of the 30 spiders that live on the outside of my window. What is a spider going to catch 51 floors up? The heads of the tiny flies would have exploded at this altitude! Still, no less than 30 spiders make their homes around the edge of my window. They seem plump and active enough. So long as they stay out there and I stay in here, all is well.

Whereas Mobius was a very small office, OFC is a very large office. 500+ attorneys, 10 floors. As many of you know, I have no sense of direction, especially inside of buildings. So look for posts detailing how I nearly starved when I ventured out of my office looking for the bathroom and was not discovered curled up in a file room for 4 days. The nice thing about a large office, however, is the staff. They have staff that do everything. And back-up staff if that staff member is out for the day. And these people know their jobs. And if it's not their job, they know whose job it is, and will connect you to that person. Need little orange tags? You don't need to find the supply closet yourself. Just pick up the phone and dial office services. Orange tags on your desk by the time you find your way back from the bathroom.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find the library for some library training, since I have never actually used the library at OFC. I'm nearly certain I can find the elevator... this time.

Sunday, August 05, 2007


Not just Snap, readers: snap and zing.

The other night, I was on a roll. I was waiting at the airport for my perpetually delayed flight back from visiting the husby in Boston when a young woman approached me and asked if I had attended the world's most glorious undergraduate institution, because I looked very familiar to her. Indeed I had attended said university, and so had she! And graduated in my class- or at least the class I would have graduated with had I not snuck out a bit early. She sat down and the two of us spent an hour trying to figure out how we might know one another, but alas, to no avail. We must have just passed each other a lot on our way to the Humanities building.

Ashley and I were having a lovely time chatting, and soon caught the eye of one "Bill," who nestled himself on the airport bench beside us and proceeded to chat with us. Or rather, interrogate us. Oh, the personal questions this guy asked! I am not interested in making my life an open book (except, of course, on my blog... hmmm. Methinks I should rethink this...) Rather, I am not interested in making my life an open book to Bill, and neither was Ashley, so I curtly rebuffed him. But he wouldn't be deterred. And what followed was an hour and a half of me zinging him, and zinging him good. I had a snappy comeback for everything that came out of his mouth. My sister-alum and another guy we were talking to were in stitches the entire time. I wouldn't usually brag about this kind of thing, since more often than not I don't think of that really good zing until I am already out of the conversation, but I tell you guys what. I sassed circles around this guy.

I'm not always a smart ass, I promise. Just every now and again, when the planets align and some guy really starts to annoy me... Snap!

And not just Snap, readers. Snap and zing!